


Portamento

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: F/F, I mean it's Junko, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Junko is her own content warning, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 09:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12362736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: When Mukuro agrees to a simple request one of her classmates makes, she doesn't realize that she's also about to get on one of the most emotional rollercoasters of her life.





	Portamento

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to have the characters refer to each other how they do in the original Japanese for most part. I'm changing SHSL to Ultimate despite the former being technically more accurate, because let's be honest, SHSL is just a little silly. Honestly I'm just using Japanese or the English translation depending on what I personally like more so it's kind of a mix.

* * *

 

Despite having attended Hope's Peak Academy for a good while now, Mukuro still doesn't understand why she has to be here.

She understands why Junko is, but not her. After all, she hasn't been ordered to make any contacts, befriend anyone, or interact with the classmates or staff in any other way as of yet. Junko does tell her to spy on someone or steal something once in a while, and attending the school certainly makes it easier, but her sister has to know that someone with her abilities could do that easily without the advantage.

Maybe she's just here on one of Junko's random whims; it seems as likely as any other reason. It'd be an understatement to say that Mukuro doesn't understand her decisions most of the time. Not that it matters to her.

"Ikusaba-kun, are you listening to me?!" Right, the reason why she is contemplating her purpose at this school. Mukuro focuses on the boy in front of her again. People usually can't tell whether she is listening or not, but Ishimaru can be as annoyingly perceptive as he can be, well, annoying.

 _'I don't care what you have to say. Go away,'_ is what she wants to say. But she is in a public place and has to maintain a polite facade, for Junko's sake if nothing else, so what comes out is: "Excuse me, I was absorbed in thought."

Ishimaru nods. "I do hope you can keep focus in class! If you require, I could share some meditation techniques with you!"

 _'No. I don't like you,'_  is what's on her mind, but out loud she says: "That won't be necessary. Could you repeat what you said before?"

"I was hoping you could talk to Enoshima-kun! This week alone I have reprimanded her for violating the dress code three times! She claims to have understood me every time, but then shows up in an improper attire when coming to class afterwards nonetheless!" Ishimaru says, his tone so grave he might as well have said that Junko is guilty of murder. Which is true, but it's not like he knows it.

"Is three times a week that much?"

"It is enough! Even more troubling, today is a Monday!"

Well, changing her clothes three times in a day isn't particularly unusual for Junko, but Mukuro is getting the impression her sister wants to actively annoy Ishimaru. It wouldn't be out of character. That aside...

Mukuro is annoyed herself. She doesn't understand why Junko has to adhere to a dress code. Dress codes are pointless to begin with. And why doesn't Junko get some leniency, considering she is the Ultimate Fashionista? She should be allowed to wear whatever she wants. She wants to ask Ishimaru why he's telling her this even though it's his job to enforce the rules, but he'd probably go off on a tangent about the importance of cooperation and mutual understanding.

"I don't think I can help you." Mukuro says flatly. "Junko-chan doesn't listen to anyone when it comes to her clothes, not even me." More like _especially_ her...

"But even so-"

"Excuse me, you two?"

Mukuro turns to the interrupting voice, which she immediately recognized as Maizono Sayaka's. The Ultimate Idol is one of the more notable students at Hope's Peak, with her shiny blue hair and doll-like face. Junko and her spend time with each other quite a bit, and on particularly good days she almost rivals her sister's beauty -- not that Mukuro would ever dare say that out loud. Also her voice is nice to listen to, maybe because she's a singer.

Not that Mukuro cares much for her songs. She doesn't really like Pop music. Or most other music. She understands why Maizono is able to charm so many people just by looking at them, but she isn't swayed so easily. She supposes that's what her and the rule fascist have in common, considering the sharp glance he is throwing the idol's way.

"Maizono-kun, it is most rude to intrude on someone's conversation like this! But since you have interrupted us already, please state what your business here is!" Ishimaru says. Mukuro isn't exactly a social butterfly herself, but he might as well be an alien with how he speaks to people. 

Maizono isn't fazed at all though. She flashes a charming smile. "The door to the girls' bathroom won't open. I was hoping the Ultimate Soldier would be strong enough to do it for me." She directs her charming smile at Mukuro as she says that.

Albeit she feels a little flustered at being smiled at like this, Mukuro silently responds to Maizono with a nod. She wouldn't mind doing some menial task instead of listening to Ishimaru. Glancing at the boy in question, Mukuro wonders what his reply is going to be.

Ishimaru's eyes narrow. "That is a problem you should tell a member of the staff, not a student!"

Maizono looks- no, Mukuro notes that she only pretends to look confused. "But I'm telling _you_ , Ishimaru-kun. You're practically part of the staff. I couldn't find anyone and I'm short on time. What do you think I should do?"

Mukuro forces her lips not to curl up as Ishimaru's rigid posture becomes even more rigid. He's so obviously pleased at the comment that it's funny. "Yes, well, I suppose it's fine for Ikusaba-kun to help. But next time please tell a staff member! And Ikusaba-kun, please make sure to speak to Enoshima-kun!" So even that guy isn't above flattery, it seems.

"I will bring it to her attention." Mukuro says, wishing it was socially acceptable to roll her eyes. She turns to Maizono. "Let's go."

"Great!" Maizono claps her hands together and practically skips out of the classroom. Mukuro is reminded of Junko again, except the idol doesn't seem to fake her enthusiasm. Much. She follows.

"You could have asked Oogami-san. She was right there." She can't stop herself from commenting.

Maizono slows down a bit, walking next to her instead of ahead. She makes a show out of looking around conspiratorially before saying: "You just looked really annoyed, so I thought I'd help you."

Mukuro frowns. Since when has she gotten so easy to read? Being back in more or less normal human civilization for about half a year and attending school for the last month has probably caused her to drop her guard too much. It's an irritating thought. "Well," she begins, unsure of what to say. She settles for being neutral. "I suppose Ishimaru-kun is just doing his job, but I can't make Junko-chan care about the dress code."

Maizono lets out a girlish giggle -- it's a pleasant sound. "It seems a bit silly to restrict the Ultimate Fashionista, doesn't it?"

"I think so too." Mukuro tries to smile back at the idol, but it probably looks like an ugly grimace so she stops herself. She's glad someone agrees with her about it. "Thank you for getting me out of there." She doesn't exactly mean it. Ishimaru isn't half as irritating as some of the things she had to experience during her time in Fenrir were, but she supposes it's the polite thing to say.

"You can pay me back by getting that door open." Maizono replies. "Speaking of, there it is!" She strolls to the door, and for a moment Mukuro thinks she's going to kick it, but then just stands in front of it with her arms folded around her chest.

"This isn't the only girls' bathroom in the building." Mukuro says. She grips the door handle and pushes experimentally.

"I know, I know. But my make-up looks the best when I apply it in front of the leftmost mirror in there." Maizono sounds apologetic, like she is fully aware of how silly she must seem.

"I see." Mukuro pushes the door harder. Most Ultimates have some unreasonable quirks, so it doesn't really matter to her. She'd rather force a door open than talk to any of her classmates anyway. She applies more pressure to the door, giving it another harsh push, and the door flies open.

"Thank you so much! You're really strong!" Maizono exclaims with a bright smile on her face.

Mukuro feels a surge of affection for the idol, her face heating up slightly. Getting praise is something she usually doesn't care for, except when it comes from Junko, but with that much enthusiasm thrown directly at her it's hard not to feel flustered. "It's nothing." She mutters, slightly embarrassed.

"My next song's gonna be about you! The savior who kicked open the door to the loo!"

"That would be original for a change." Mukuro says out loud something she only meant to think. She can feel her face going beet red, and her eyes are suddenly fixed the floor. "I'm sorry, I didn't- I'm sorry."

She could see anger flashing in Maizono's face before looking away, but then, perplexingly enough, Maizono bursts into laughter. "Some of that stuff I sing is pretty cliché, isn't it? I wish there was more variety, too."

Despite only one second of ill-will being directed at her and usually being not all that concerned when she says something rude, Mukuro still feels extremely uncomfortable. If a slip like that happened in front of Junko... "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

"It was pretty rude, but don't be!" Maizono scolds. "My first instinct was being angry, 'cause the girls and I work a lot on these songs. But then I realized... hey! We're all complaining how our manager only wants us to sing the same lovey-dovey stuff all the time too! Besides, I like people who just speak their mind. I'm an artist, you know? I'm meant to be criticized!"

Junko's always telling her to think before speaking and yet... "Still, I didn't mean to-"

"If you really want to make it up to me, stop by my room after class!" Mukuro looks at her, baffled. Maizono seems to notice the look being given to her and quickly adds: "I've been trying to spend time with every girl in our class! Fukawa-san hasn't said yes yet, and you and Kirigiri-san are... um..." She giggles sheepishly "You two are intimidating."

Mukuro doesn't like how meek Maizono is sounding, so she doesn't waste any time answering. "I'm not very interesting, but if you need me to complete your list then I will come by your room."

Maizono blinks. "It's not really about completing a list. I just want to get to know everyone in our class a little."

"That makes sense, yes." There is a bit of slightly uncomfortable silence, causing Mukuro to curse herself for being awkward. "I will wait for you after class then."

Maizono's bright smile finds its way to her face again. "Great! I can't wait!"

 

-

 

Junko calls everything boring, but when it comes to literature class Mukuro is in full agreement with her. The only reason she listens is because she has nothing better to do. And while being at this school is only a means to an end for Junko's sake, not doing a good job at being a student just rubs her the wrong way. Only a dedicated few are able to pay attention. Herself, Kirigiri, Ishimaru, and Oogami. Even the usually attentive Fujisaki is staring at her phone. Togami isn't even here, having apparently decided that the class isn't important enough for him. Or maybe his private jet or whatever crashed and he's dead. She's fine with either option, really.

The bell signalling the end of class comes as both relief and worry to Mukuro -- the latter moreso. She'd take boredom over panic, and the latter is slowly making its way through her entire body. What on earth will Maizono talk to her about? Won't she make a complete fool out of herself in front of the idol? She has no idea how to talk to people. Junko says so herself; she is a complete bore and her only interesting quality is the different ways in which she can kill others. That's not exactly a good topic to talk about when it comes to pop stars, is it?

Mukuro makes her way to her sister. "Junko-chan, do you have a moment?"

Junko doesn't insult or hit her in public, but that's not much of a comfort. Her sister can be vicious without either if sufficiently irritated. She does look irritated to Mukuro right now, although there's more interest. Mukuro never really asks to speak to her in public after all. "You sure look nervous, sis. What's going on?" Junko merely glances at her for a moment, then settles for inspecting her nails instead, yet her curiosity is obvious.

Mukuro waits until everyone leaves the classroom. Kuwata's interest is blatant as he is moving at a snail's pace, but luckily Naegi is tactful enough to usher him out of the room. She really ought not to ignore him the next time he's trying to talk to her as a show of gratitude. First she needs to talk to her sister, however. "Maizono-san asked me to spend some time with her earlier, and I don't know what to talk about." She can't look Junko in the eyes as she says the next part, doesn't want to see her grin. "Can you please give me some advice?"

She still hears the laughter though, and despite the sickened feeling in her chest at being ridiculed, she hopes Junko is more amused than annoyed right now.

"Aww, you need some help talking to a pretty girl?" Her sister mocks, still snickering. "Geez Mukuro-chan, what am I gonna do with you? Weeeell, hearing you ask that was pretty entertaining, so I'm gonna throw you a bone!" At the hopeful look she's receiving, Junko retches. "Ugh, don't look at me like that! I'm seriously gonna crush your hope if you're acting like that." Mukuro stares at the floor. "That's better! So..." She can hear Junko tapping her right index finger against her chin three times, something she tends to do when pretending to think about something. "Well, you're utterly uninteresting! So, y'know, not that!"

Mukuro nods. Junko continues: "You can ask about her make-up and clothes. She can't stop talking my ears off about how pretty I am and how great my clothes are. Blabber, blabber, blabber. Besides, I taught you how to apply make-up to me and you see my clothes all the time. You know more about that kinda shit than the average soldier, don't you think?"

"Yes." Mukuro says, looking up again. She wants to hug her sister for trying to help, knowing how little Junko must care for the entire thing, but the thought of what the reaction to it might be makes her settle for a grateful smile. "Thank you, Junko-chan. I love you."

"Aw, shucks." Junko croons, grinning. "Anyway, if you really can't think of anything, just talk about me. Aren't I the only thing you actually care about, sis?"

"Of course you are!" Mukuro answers, offended. "You're the only one who matters."

"So then how come you're so worried about fucking up in front of Sayaka-chan, huh?"

Mukuro blinks. It's a good question, although not one she can answer. "I... I don't know."

Junko bursts out laughing. "Oh my God, you're telling the truth! You're so hopeless, sis. Seriously." She squeezes her shoulder, then takes off, leaving Mukuro with more confusion than before.

It's not unusual for Junko.

 

-

 

On the way to Maizono's room, the idol is luckily just content complaining about how boring literature class is, something Mukuro doesn't have any problems agreeing to.

She's being way too nervous. Mukuro adjusts her collar while Maizono opens the door to her room. Her instincts never lie to her, so is it possible that Maizono is luring her into a trap? Perhaps she has found out about what Junko and her are truly like? But... no, that notion is completely absurd. She's being rididulous.

Suddenly, Junko's words echo in her mind.

 _"Aww, you need some help talking to a pretty girl?"_  

Is that really it? Is she just nervous about talking to someone like Maizono? Has she seriously developed a crush on some pretty girl for talking to her for more than ten seconds and smiling at her? Mukuro closes her eyes, shaking her head lightly. No, that can't be it. There's no way Enoshima Junko's big sister, the second princess of despair and the Ultimate Soldier, would be that pathetic. How disappointed would Junko be if that was the case? Therefore it simply can't be the case.

Her thoughts are interrupted by Maizono's voice. "I'm afraid I don't have the means to make tea for us here, but I bought us some juice. Is that alright with you, Ikusaba-san?"

"Yes." Mukuro says, immediately feeling self-conscious that it only came out as a mumble. If she keeps thinking so hard, she's gonna make an even bigger fool out of herself.

Maizono is too polite; obviously she is not the kind of person who would throw something at her head and yell at her to speak up, like Junko would.

She thankfully manages to take the juice without dropping it, opens it without spilling anything. She takes a sip, hoping she doesn't look stupid or ugly doing so. Again, she is annoyed with herself. It's not like she's with Junko right now. Maizono isn't blunt enough to tell her something like that, is she?

But it's not like she'd know. Her sister is the only person she ever spends time with outside of discussing business or studies. She is forced to exchange pleasantries with her fellow classmates sometimes, but those are just empty words. Only Naegi ever prods her a little despite her attempts to mostly ignore him, which is enough to make her feel uncomfortable, except not nearly to the extent she is feeling right now. And knowing it's irrrational doesn't prevent her from feeling it, so the uncomfortable feeling persists.

"Are you okay, Ikusaba-san?"

Maizono's voice startles Mukuro again. Hasn't she just told herself that she needs to stop spacing out? Stupid, useless Mukuro. She licks her dry lips. "I'm sorry, I was absorbed in thought." It comes out as a mumble again, and barely has Mukuro ever felt so much loathing for herself before.

"It happens!" Maizono's cheerful tone instantly makes her feel better. "If you want to talk about it, I don't mind listening. See, I'm saying that, but there's no way you're gonna tell me! We barely know each other." Maizono giggles, though she immediately turns serious again. "Oh, but if you really wanna tell me, then please do that!"

"... It's fine. Nothing important." Mukuro manages to say, not mumble, being taken aback by how peppy the idol acts like. As far as she knows Maizono is always lively of course, but it's a different thing to be alone with her in her room and experience it like that. She, the Ultimate Soldier, actually feels a little intimidated by Maizono Sayaka. She can practically see Junko pointing and jeering at her.

"Oh, am I overwhelming you?" Maizono asks, tilting her head. It reminds her of Junko and should come across as incredibly sarcastic, yet somehow it doesn't. "I'm sorry, really. You're more the quiet type, aren't you? I hope I'm not too loud for you?"

"No, it's fine. I'm just not used to..." Mukuro tries to find the right words, but fails. She tries to think of something, anything to say. Anything to not make her come across as an awkward tool. "You like make-up and clothes!" She blurts out, the feeling of triumph lasting for about one second before being replaced by something not remotely close to it.

"I do! Junko-chan and I talk about that stuff a lot." Maizono answers easily, ignoring all of Mukuro's awkwardness.

She's so nice and patient, Mukuro suspects maybe she absorbed all of Naegi's supposed luck at the entrance ceremony into herself. There is no way she deserves being treated with that much kindness.

"She mentioned that to me. Junko-chan is looking forward to her next show." Mukuro says, a deep feeling of relief spreading through her. Talking about Junko is one of the few things she can do without having to think.

"She's really great! If I could convince her to be in one of our videos, they'd be twice as popular I'm sure!" Maizono adds.

"I'm sure she would agree if you asked her, but she would have to discuss it with her manager first." Mukuro says, albeit knowing fully well her sister is pretty much in charge of herself. She also knows Junko would agree to Maizono's request... which would probably also come with a lot of irritation on Junko's part, since she hates working with others. Irritation she'd take out on Mukuro. Well, taking that ire on herself rather than having Maizono subjected to it seems only fair after how nice the idol's been so far.

"I'd have to discuss it with my manager too, yeah." Maizono laughs, something she ought to do more in Mukuro's opinion. Not that the giggling isn't pretty as well. "It's kinda annoying, isn't it? We're the ones with all the talent, but still need someone's permission."

"Well," Mukuro begins. She tries to think of a good answer to that, mostly because Maizono actually does seem annoyed at it. "I suppose in the end we're all still teenagers. Most of us probably need someone to reign us in when we get too rash. I do know for a fact that Junko-chan is apable of handling her own business without a manager, but she's probably a rare case."

Maizono isn't smiling anymore, but looks far from upset. "You're pretty mature, Ikusaba-san," she says in an unusually serious voice. It's stupid, since Mukuro has only known her for a few minutes after all, but it just seems unusual to her. "I hope I'm not offending you, but I'm guessing you think like that because you're the Ultimate Soldier? You wouldn't be used to being your own boss, right?"

Mukuro is surprised that Maizono brings that up. Her status as the Ultimate Soldier seems like something people would prefer to wilfully ignore. She's almost starting to respect Maizono a little. "For a lot of operations I was free to use my own approach, so in that regard I was my own boss. You're right in that I was still acting on someone else's orders all of the time, generally speaking." There's a big difference between a soldier and a mercenary though, but there's no point in saying that.

Maizono nods in understanding. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, seeming conflicted. "May I ask you a personal question?"

Mukuro feels uneasy, but nods.

"What are you going to do after you finish school? If it's going back to being a soldier, then why bother with school to begin with?"

Mukuro regards Maizono with apprehension, hoping it doesn't show in her face. Normally she wouldn't worry, but apparently she's been inefficient lately. "I'm sorry for not answering that just yet, but if i may ask first... why are you asking me this?" It's a strange question too, isn't it? Surely getting an education isn't that uncommon for soldiers? Well, she wouldn't know... considering that contrary to her title, she was never really much of a soldier anyway.

"I'm sorry for being nosy, Ikusaba-san," Maizono replies, clearly flustered. She bites her lower lip, then runs her left hand through her hair. "It's just- I mean... I've been kinda intrigued. With you, I mean. Since school started."

She wants to say more, but Mukuro is confused enough to interrupt it. "Why me? I don't really stand out."

"But you do." Maizono insists. "You're the Ultimate Soldier, you know? It's just that you'd expect someone different looking." She holds up her hands in an allaying manner. "Don't get me wrong, Ikusaba-san. You're really intimidating. I mean, it took me a lot of courage to ask you to get that door open for me. I was nervous the entire time."

"You were?" Mukuro can't believe it. How wouldn't she notice that? Is it possible she was too concerned with her own thoughts that she couldn't see it?

"I really was. Anyway, I didn't expect you to look like that. And then there's how you act in class and towards other people. I thought it was super cool and mysterious! Which sounds silly, I know. So I got curious about you. I knew I had to talk to you when I noticed how you look whenever Naegi-kun's talking to you." Maizono places a hand in front of her mouth, probably to hide a smile. Mukuro still sees it though. "You look out of your comfort zone. It's funny. I'm sorry."

Mukuro feels her face heat up at hearing Maizono giggle. "You keep saying you didn't expect me to look like that. I don't really understand it. Did you think I was going to be taller?"

"I guess I did." Maizono says. "But more importantly I didn't expect someone who was... cute, I guess."

Mukuro blinks. "Cute?" She asks, dumbfounded.

Maizono tilts her head. "You're surprised? We both agree that Junko-chan is beautiful, yes?" Mukuro nods, feeling dazed. "You look a lot like her! Not identical, but if you ever tried to switch places you'd probably fool a lot of people! You shouldn't be surprised you're pretty."

"I- um." Mukuro stares down in her lap. Maizono doesn't seem like she's lying, but she does seem pretty good at it, so who knows? Celebrities have to tell ugly people that they aren't ugly all the time, don't they? "I don't think I could pass for Junko-chan even if anyone covered my entire body with make-up. There's no way I could ever match her beauty. Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to imitate her vibrant personality. Her whole demeanor is completely different from mine..." It's not like she really thinks she's all that ugly. Junko just calls her that for the sake of despair-related reasons. And because most people must look ugly compared to someone as beautiful as her, Mukuro supposes.

"Well, I think you're cute, especially the freckles!" Maizono chirps. "And so's your reaction to what I said. It's silly that I was that intimidated by you, looking back!"

It's just friendly teasing, but Mukuro feels humiliated. She's probably killed enough people to fill up one of Maizono's concerts, but here she is having her pride damaged like this. She dismisses her feelings when she sees the idol's bright smile though. It's hard to be mad at Maizono, especially since she's obviously trying to be nice. "I'm sure you hear it all the time," Mukuro begins. Answering with a compliment is the least she could do. "But you're pretty. Junko-chan thinks so too, of course." Junko also added some things that were decidedly less pleasant, but she really doesn't want to think about that right now.

Maizono's smile widens. "Ohhh, are we playing a round of compliment back and forth? 'Cause I could do that for hours!"

Anything but that. Mukuro feels strange enough as it is. "You complimented me, I complimented you. I think that means we're even." She says flatly.

Maizono's face falls. "Am I annoying you, Ikusaba-san?"

Mukuro's eyes widen. "No! Not at all. I didn't mean-"

"Gotcha!" Maizono laughs. "I'm pretty good at that, aren't I?"

Mukuro feels embarrassed again. It seems to be the major feeling she experiences when talking to Maizono. "You are. Earlier you manipulated Ishimaru-kun to get him to leave me alone. It was impressive."

Despite the praise, Maizono's beaming face turns stricken. "Manipulated? I didn't lie or anything. He really is pretty much part of the staff, you know."

"That's true, but you faked your confusion. It may have not been really a lie, but you put on a deliberate act." Mukuro is confused. Isn't she complimenting Maizono right now? Yet the idol's face keeps getting more and more concerned.

"That's- I didn't mean anything by it! I just did it automatically, you know?!" Maizono is talking rather loudly. And angrily.

"I didn't mean to suggest you did anything bad, Maizono-san." Mukuro says carefully, feeling like she's going to throw up. She's only been talking to her for a short while and is already offending her? She quickly gathers her thoughts and hopes she isn't going to make it worse. "Don't people do worse than what you did all the time without feeling bad too?" Maizono looks confused, so she elaborates: "People act like they're fine when they're not, so other people leave them alone and don't worry. People act like they think someone else's clothes are nice when they really think they're ugly, so they don't pointlessly upset other people. Those are all deliberate lies to avoid conflict of any kind. You told a deliberate truth to avoid conflict. If we agree that the former isn't a bad thing, doesn't that mean the latter is even less bad?"

But Maizono still doesn't look convinced. "I still shouldn't have put on an act." She says.

Mukuro counters. "Look at it this way: Ishimaru-kun was annoying me about Junko-chan not following the dress code. And we both said the dress code is silly, right? So you spared me from feeling more annoyed while making him feel better. If you hadn't said anything, he and I would both feel annoyed right now I'm sure."

Relief spreads through Mukuro when a smile slowly makes its way on Maizono's face -- trying to make people feel better isn't really her area of expertise. "Thanks, Ikusaba-san. I'm still not sure about this whole thing, but you're trying to convince me so hard that I'm feeling better."

"I mean every word I said." Mukuro replies in a firm tone. She honestly doesn't understand why Maizono's been upset this past minute. Don't idols have to put on an act all the time? Pretend their fans aren't annoying or creepy? Having to smile at people they couldn't care less about while signing their autographs? The thing with Ishimaru seems like something Maizono would do every day. However, she doesn't want to undo her progress in improving the mood, so she stays quiet.

"I'm sorry for getting so defensive. To tell you the truth..." Maizono bites her lower lip, looking ashamed. "I'm not being entirely honest. I do put up an act sometimes, but I don't mean to be manipulative or anything, I swear!" She hastily adds.

"I understand. You're always acting outgoing and friendly, but no one can feel like that all of the time. It's only natural that you wouldn't be able to act curt and closed off when you feel like it. You have a reputation to uphold. And a responsibility to the other idols you're working with, right?"

"Exactly!" Maizono looks at her in wonder. "I can't believe I told you, but you actually understand. And... you don't think I'm fake because of it?"

"Not at all." Mukuro answers easily. "It's much harder to suppress your true feelings than just lettting them out. It's impressive too, especially because you're so popular and have to deal with so many people. It can't be easy. You're just dealing with your situation in the most efficient way. What's wrong with that?"

There is a brief pause. "You really have a way with words, Ikusaba-san. I didn't really expect it, to be honest." Maizono finally says, and she's still looking at her like she's drowning and Mukuro is a lifebelt. It makes her feel both uneasy and excited.

"Junko-chan is the one who has a way with words. I must have been influenced by her a little." Mukuro says. It's probably the truth. She can't remember the last time she ever talked that much at once.

Suddenly, Maizono's hands shoot forward, grabbing her right hand, and Mukuro can only barely resist her natural instincts to twist the idol's arm and throw her to the ground face-first. She feels her hand being squeezed. "I..." Maizono looks like she wants to say a hundred things at once and can't decide on what. "I really needed to hear that. I'm so glad that someone understands." She parts her lips, like she wants to say more, but then pulls her hands back and mumbles: "I'm sorry, Ikusaba-san. I got ahead of myself."

"It's fine." Mukuro's voice comes out okay even though she is feeling breathless at the moment. She can still feel the warmth of Maizono's grip on her hand, and feels the absurd urge to ask for a repeat. "I'm glad that I managed to help." She doesn't feel she's done all that much, so maybe Maizono just doesn't get to talk about her real feelings often. Somehow the thought is depressing.

"You did help. You may not think so, but you really did. Honestly!" Maizono says in such a fierce manner that Mukuro has no choice but to believe her.

"You're good at reading my face, Maizono-san." Either that or Mukuro isn't nearly as good at masking her emotions as she thinks she is.

"I'm not, really. It's just..." Maizono smiles. "I'm psychic."

Mukuro ponders that. "The Ultimate Clairvoyant is in our class, so it's not impossible I suppose. The safer assumption is you just have good intuition."

Maizono giggles. "You ruined the joke, Ikusaba-san. In return you don't get to leave until I get another smile out of you, okay?"

Another? Mukuro doesn't recall having smiled in the last few minutes, but her heart is beating fast enough to make that thought seem completely unimportant right now. "Careful," she hears herself say faintly. "I might never leave."

Maizono isn't smiling, but paradoxically looks like she still is. "Maybe I'd like that."

 

-

 

There are a lot of different forms of mental exhaustion. Right now Mukuro feels tired, as if she just ran a marathon, but also happy, as if she won first place.

She has a friend now. An actual friend. More than that... she's fallen for that friend before the girl even _became_ her friend. There's no point in denying it, all the signs are pointing towards that conclusion. And she doesn't even want to try denying it anyway. There's still slight bafflement, of course. How can she fall in love in just a few minutes? Even though the two of them have spoken for over two hours before Mukuro had to leave, she knows it happened early on. Isn't that kind of pathetic? It probably is, but she is too excited to care. Because...

Because she is able to feel something, to actually _feel_. Not just a dull sense of satisfaction at having done a good job or a dull sense of irritation at someone bothering her with their loud voice. If dullness counted as a feeling, she would have an excess of it.

But Sayaka...

Sayaka. The feelings Sayaka is giving her are overwhelming. If she compared it to a glass of water being filled, all those dull feelings of hers would count as a tiny drop. But that intoxicating happiness she is feeling right now is like her glass being filled to the brim. The smile she isn't even fighting to keep down is like spilled water from an already full glass.

Sayaka and her have made a connection, when their conversation turned so serious all of a sudden. They've reached an understanding of some kind. One she doesn't entirely understand yet. They're both girls who need to hide their true selves behind a mask, but that mask isn't all that different from their true selves either. It's in Sayaka's nature to be kind, it's not just an act she puts on.

Mukuro supposes that kindness plays a big role in her feelings for Sayaka, but that's way too simple to describe it. It's how her kindness operates, the way she's seamlessly including Mukuro into the conversation, not just treating her as a listener.

The way she cares about what Mukuro has to say, the way she doesn't press her when there's nothing for her to say. Sayaka's patience when she has to gather her thoughts and is taking a bit longer to answer.

All of those small things put together... they just make her feel like she matters for once. Even if Sayaka is treating her better than she deserves, and there's no doubt she does, there is no condescension oozing from her at all. Even when Mukuro seemingly ruins the mood by saying something awkward, Sayaka just runs with it, gently poking fun at her without coming across as mean.

Of course, Mukuro isn't stupid or anything. Barring some suspicious behavior that could easily be interpreted as completely innocent, Sayaka would almost certainly not return her feelings. She hasn't been under any delusion that she could ask Sayaka to be her... girlfriend or anything. Just being friends. That's enough. That's more than enough. Way more than she could ever dare to ask for. Even if her feelings are unrequited, they're still her feelings. She wants to hold onto them.

Mukuro pushes her back from the door she's been leaning against for the last few minutes and lets herself fall onto her bed. The cool sheets feel soothing against her burning face.

"Sayaka." She mumbles. It feels good to say it, so she does it again. "Sayaka-san. Sayaka-chan. Sayaka." She was granted permission to call her new friend by first name at the end of that long conversation, but hasn't made nearly enough use of that privilege yet in her opinion.

_"Mukuro-san."_

She feels her smile going even wider, something that shouldn't be possible. She's asked Sayaka to use her first name too obviously, and it sounded perfect out of the idol's mouth. Mukuro supposes even an ugly name like hers can be nice when said by the right person.

Sayaka has invited her over for tomorrow. She hated having to end their conversation, so hearing Sayaka ask her was a relief.

Has she ever felt so much excitement before? She doesn't think so, not even before her first mission in Fenrir. There's a good chance she won't get any sleep tonight. She feels the urge to go look up one of Sayaka's songs right now and listen to it, she'd probably find a lot of appreciation for cheesy pop songs in the near future despite her tastes, but feels she doesn't really want to move. Just thinking about her is enough for now.

So that's what she does. There wouldn't be any thoughts about Junko, despair, deceiving, or betrayal tonight. No, those thoughts would come later. Today there'd be Sayaka, and only Sayaka. So even though Mukuro knows this is short-sighted and stupid, she allows herself to be.

Even though there cannot possibly be a happy ending for both Sayaka and her that's fine. Because...

Because she's resigned herself to that a long time ago. This feeling of happiness she's experiencing right now... it's more than she could ever hope for. But hope is meant to turn to despair, isn't it? Because...

_"Does it hurt, sis? Oh, don't look at me like that. 'Cause I know."_

Because Junko always says so. And Junko is always right.

_"I know you're craving for despair just like me! That's why you keep hoping. You wouldn't be stupid enough to do that even though you already know the outcome, right?!"_

Because whenever she hopes, it falls apart. That's why.

"I want to savor this. While it lasts."

Mukuro smiles and thinks of Maizono Sayaka.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, that was a bit more depressing than I thought at the end. Other parts of the series are gonna be more happy though! Probably. But not all. You gotta have some despair to balance out the hope, right??


End file.
